Reminder to Self: Talk About Your Depression

About 5 months ago I quit my job — a job I described as the opportunity of a lifetime— because of my depression. 

In the past, I’ve left jobs, lost opportunities, quit activities and classes, let countless friendships fade because of my depression. 

I was ashamed and embarrassed of my mental illness. I felt unworthy and undeserving of love and happiness. So when depression symptoms would slowly arise, I’d try my best to ignore them and when it inevitably became too much to handle I’d just leave or quit or disappear into isolation without telling anyone what was really going on. 

When I quit this last job, something remarkable happened. I decided to tell the truth. I told my boss: I am so depressed that I’m barely functioning and need to quit so I can properly care for myself. I was met with nothing but compassion and kindness. 

It was that one positive experience that inspired me to think back on other experiences of sharing my mental illness, not through a depressed lens that colors everything in shame and guilt, but to actually reflect on those relationships.

What I realized was that, even back to when I was a teenager, those that I did confide in were also compassionate and caring. It was simply depressed thinking that had distorted those memories. 

I wonder what would’ve happened with past relationships had I been honest about what I was dealing with and how many more relationships would’ve flourished from being open and honest about my mental illness.

One thing I do know is that in recent years since deciding to talk about my mental illness more openly, I’ve actually formed closer relationships than ever before. 

So, this is an open letter and reminder to myself, to be open and unashamed, to challenge myself to talk about it when it’s scary, because chances are something beautiful and new and refreshing will happen when you do. 

 

*main photo is of  so-called Tenaya Lake off Tioga Road in Yosemite National park