Practical Tips on How To Support A Depressed Loved One: Part 1

Chances are either you or someone you care about has been depressed. If you’re depressed, it can be hard to ask for help or you might not know what to ask for help with. If you’ve never been depressed it might be hard to know how to help your loved one who is depressed. My partner and I have spent years working on this part of our relationship and although it’s always a work in progress, one thing is for certain: his support has always played an integral role in my recovery. Depression is not something anyone needs to struggle with alone and, in fact, having a strong support system is known to be one of the most valuable and crucial aspects of recovery. 

Having a strong support system is not about having a lot of friends who can help you through, it’s about having a couple friends who you trust enough to ask for help; those who you feel comfortable and safe going to when you are at your most vulnerable. To be part of someone’s support system means being emotionally available (though not always, your mental health is important too) to provide not only practical help, but empathy and love. People who are depressed are most likely not showing themselves much kindness, so it can be truly exceptional how a little bit of kindness from a loved one can turn around a depressed person’s mood or day. 

How are you doing?

For me, the most meaningful and often times profound thing my loved ones can do is to ask with genuine care, how are you doing. On my hardest days, that question alone can bring me to tears. It might seem small, but asking that very simple question says so much. It says, I love you. I am here for you. I support you. You are not alone. I see you. So check in regularly, even daily, and ask them how they’re doing. Don’t be afraid to ask “Okay, but how are you really doing.” Sometimes it takes a little prodding to get an honest answer but taking that extra time to get a real answer might be just what your loved one needs.

How can I best support you?

You’re not a mind reader and your loved one knows that. Instead of guessing, be upfront and ask them, how can I best support you. They might not know, so maybe it’ll take some team brainstorming to figure it out. Find out what they’re struggling with and offer to provide support. Maybe it’s a text message— hey, have you eaten today? Maybe it’s bringing by some food. Maybe it’s sharing a meal together. It could be picking them up and going grocery shopping together or offering to pick up a few things from the store. Folks who are depressed often struggle with their daily routines, things like showering, eating, going outside, getting out of bed. Find out what’s been difficult for them and see if there are ways to support them with those specific tasks. 

Help Them Get Outside

Being outside and breathing fresh air is vital for someone who is depressed. However, depression also leads to isolation which makes it hard to leave home. Invite them to go for a walk with you. When you’re spending time together, go sit outside or share a meal outside. When you check in with them, ask if they’ve been outside today and suggest they go stand outside and take a few deep breaths. Even if it’s just stepping outside their front door for a couple minutes, every bit counts. 

Have a Plan

For those really tough days where your loved one can’t get out of bed, have a plan ready. Before they get really depressed have your loved one make their plan and write it down. Then sit down and talk about it. Have a plan for if they’re in bed for one or two days and have a plan for if they’re depressed for longer. Use their best and kindest coping mechanisms during those hardest days. For me, I’ve asked my partner to sit with me or cuddle, let me cry it out, and then drag me to the beach to see the sea lions. It’s up to your loved one to create the plan and to communicate it but you can definitely encourage them to make one and help them in the creation of it.

People who are really depressed and struggling to get out of bed are most often also dealing with immense shame, guilt, and embarrassment. A plan is great because  it says it’s okay to be depressed, you’re prepared for this, this won’t last forever. As their loved one or partner, you showing up to help implement the plan says I love you, I’m here for you, you’re not alone. 

Check back in next week to read Part 2 where I cover helping with accountability, communicating your own needs, setting boundaries, and more!