Practical Tips on How to Support a Depressed Loved One: Part 2

In Part 1 we talked about different communication methods, getting your loved one outside and exercising, and creating a plan for those extra hard days. In Part 2 we’ll cover not just how to support your loved one, but how to support yourself as well. Care taking for a depressed love one is mentally taxing, which makes caring for yourself critical for both you and your loved one.

Accountability

Following through is really difficult for someone who is depressed. Depression tends to muffle feelings of joy and if we aren’t finding joy in doing things then there’s little motivation to do them. Help your loved one with accountability. What does your loved one normally enjoy doing? Be it painting, running, reading, ask them if they’ve been doing any of the things they love. Ask if they’d like your help in holding them accountable. Say your loved one likes to paint. Help them set a day, time, and duration to paint. Then text them later to ask them how their painting session went. Offer to paint with them. Accountability can straddle a fine line of pushing too hard to the point where they feel overwhelmed so make sure you do it with compassion and check in to make sure you are pushing just enough.

Be Their Cheerleader

People who are depressed tend to focus on the negative, accuse themselves of not trying hard enough, and will reach extra far to find the tiniest things to beat themselves up about. It is really hard to cheer yourself on and acknowledge your accomplishments when you’re depressed. So help your loved one see their wins and celebrate their accomplishments no matter how big or small. Remind them that they’re doing their best and that things will get better with time. 

Find a Balance

It is important that you work together to find the balance between gently pushing and pushing too much. Folks with depression are prone to being too hard on themselves so make sure your nudges to getting them to go for a walk, get outside, eat, shower, etc. are encouraging and supportive, not forceful and based in shame. Ask your loved one to tell you if you are pushing too hard or not enough and keep that line of communication open.

Set Boundaries

Having a loved one who is depressed is difficult not only for the depressed person, but their support system as well. Set boundaries with yourself and your loved one. Be aware of how you are doing and make sure you are taking care of yourself. Don’t spread yourself too thin trying to help your loved one. You can only do so much and your mental wellness matters, too. Setting boundaries also means having your loved one communicate their boundaries. Are you pushing too hard to the point where they feel overwhelmed? Check in on boundaries regularly and maintain open communication about them.

Do Some Research

The reality is that unless you’ve experienced depression yourself it can be really hard to relate to someone who is depressed, especially if they’re going through a major depressive episode. I highly encourage you to do some research, learn about different resources, and hear other people’s stories to help you empathize on a deeper level. The more you understand what depression actually is and how it feels, the less likely it is that resentment towards your loved one will start to creep in. 

Communicate Your Needs

Even though your loved one is depressed, the relationship still goes both ways and this is especially true if you are living together, married, dating, etc. Maybe for your own mental health you need a weekend away. Maybe you need for your partner to consider going to therapy. Maybe you yourself need to go to therapy. Caring for a loved one with depression is not easy and can definitely take a toll so make sure you are communicating your needs and that they are being respected. 

Final Thoughts

Depression is hard on both parties so even while you are supporting your loved one, know that it is okay to ask them to support you too. As I mentioned earlier, depression doesn’t change the fact that the relationship is a two way street. Your needs still matter and are just as important. Asking to have your needs met is not being selfish, it is being honest and also helps to keep resentment at bay. 

There are support groups out there for friends and family members of depressed people so maybe seek those out.

How your loved one is doing in terms of their mental health is not a reflection of you or how good of a job you’re doing supporting them. Recovery takes time and it is not a linear process. There will be good days and bad days and they’ll happen in no particular order. Don’t get down on yourself or feel like you’re doing something wrong if a bad day shows up after a string of good days. That’s the nature of mental illness. 

Most importantly, people who are depressed need to be continuously reminded that they are loved and that they are enough. And while you are reminding your loved one of this, don’t forget to remind yourself as well.