Top Skills I’ve Been Using To Manage My Depression
Recently I’ve been feeling what my therapist calls “low grade depression.” I don’t know the clinical definition but from my own personal experience being “mildly” depressed means that I’m doing all the daily things— work, sleep, eat, dishes, shower, exercise, write, research— but it’s a struggle. It’s a struggle to get motivated and it’s a struggle to keep going during the day. When I’m writing I’ll stop multiple times during the day feeling defeated and plagued by thoughts of, “I can’t do this. I’m not good enough. I’m not smart enough. Who do I think I am to write about this? I’m a failure.” When I’m at work I’m thinking, “I can’t believe I said that. That was so stupid. Now my boss thinks I’m a loser who doesn’t know what she’s doing.”
I get distracted easily by social media and I have anxiety about doing anything that requires leaving the house. Getting motivated to exercise is the hardest thing for me to do even though I know getting in a good sweaty exercise session is the thing that helps me most when it comes to maintaining mental health. I’m mentally drained by early afternoon but I continue doing things. That pretty much sums up how I’ve been feeling but there is a silver lining here. I’m getting out of bed, I’m doing things, I’m enjoying the sunlight, and I’m still looking to the future (and sometimes even feeling hopeful about it).
It’s also truly important to acknowledge that we are living during a pandemic and that in itself is a feat. We are also experiencing overt and covert racism and struggling to get by when the country and the world is steeped in injustice. Because of that, trying to manage and maintain our mental health can be harder than usual and can also feel like it’s not important on the grand scheme of things. This is your friendly reminder that it absolutely is.
There are a few things that I’ve been doing that I think have been key to managing my depression, keeping it at a stable “mild,” and not slipping into a downward spiral. Please keep in mind that it’s important to gauge where you’re at personally and how to best apply these skills.
Recognize and Challenge Negative Thinking
Currently, the most invasive thought I have is “I’m not enough.” Be it doing enough, good enough, smart enough— you name it, chances are I’ve said it to myself. It’s one that has been with me since childhood and one that continues to plague me every single day. In all my years of therapy, rehab, and working on recovery, I have yet to come up with a way to banish that thought for good (though when I figure it out, y’all will be the first to know). What I have found is that by stopping mid-morning to evaluate how I’m feeling and notice what I’m thinking, I become aware when I’ve created space for and allowed the mean thought (or thoughts) to simmer.
Around 11AM, I tend to start feeling gloomy and down; it happens pretty much like clockwork these days. My eyes get tired, I start to slouch, my mind gets a little groggy, and I feel a looming sadness. Typically, there’s no significant event or trigger to prompt these symptoms and, in fact, I could go to work, go grocery shopping, exercise, cook dinner, all in one day and still beat myself up throughout the day for not doing enough. So how do I recognize this negative thinking and what do I do to challenge it and not let it control me and my day?
Set an alarm. Set an alarm mid-morning if you can or at your lunch break labelled something like “How are you feeling 🐳” or “Time to check in with yourself 🌺” (and always with an emoji that brings joy). Set it for every. single. day. Normalize and make it a habit to mentally check in with yourself and eventually, you won’t even need the alarm. When that alarm goes off, allow yourself a couple minutes to check in. Take some deep breaths and acknowledge that you’re taking a moment to observe your mind and body without judgment. During this check in you’re going to do two things, check in with your body and check in with your thoughts and feelings.
I like to do a body scan first. A body scan is where you sit or lie down and go from the top your head all the way to your toes, noticing how each part of your body is feeling. Make a mental note of places that are hurting, sore, and tense; start to notice how your body feels when it’s harboring certain emotions.
With enough practice your body will become the alarm and you’ll begin to notice the tension and warning signs of negative thinking from how your body feels. For me, if I notice soreness or clenching in my jaw, I know I’m stressed. If I have butterflies in my stomach, I’m definitely feeling anxious. And when I’m slouching, I’m feeling doom and gloom.
Once you’re aware of how your body is feeling, observe the thoughts you’re having and reflect on the thoughts you’ve been having since you woke up. Were they positive, helpful thoughts? Or were they mean, harmful thoughts?
When I’ve taken note on how my body is feeling and what thoughts I’ve been having, there are a few different techniques I’ll use to challenge those mean thoughts and negative thinking patterns.
I use my breath as a way to flush out those mean thoughts. I start by taking deep belly breaths and exhaling all the air out until my lungs feel empty. As I’m exhaling I picture the negative thoughts leaving my body. Sometimes I imagine the thoughts floating away in little thought bubbles as I wave goodbye to them. Sometimes I imagine them floating away down a stream.
Another technique is to directly challenge those mean thoughts. If I’m telling myself I’m not good enough, I think of all the ways that I am good enough and if that’s not sticking then I’ll write it down and read it out loud. Challenging those thoughts could also mean not giving them space at all. It may sound silly but I’ll speak directly to those thoughts and tell them they’re hurtful, damaging, and untrue and therefore they must go. Even if in the moment I am believing the hurtful, damaging, and untrue thoughts, in the wise words of Amy Cuddy, “fake it till you become it”— keep telling yourself those mean thoughts are not true until you believe it.
The main goal is to train your mind and body to notice as soon as you start having negative or mean thoughts so you can then shift your energy to letting go and getting rid of those mean thoughts, and only allowing space for the good ones. It’s a step by step process that takes time and practice but if you stick with it, it’ll only get easier.
Set Realistic Goals
One of my biggest downfalls is setting unrealistic goals. An unrealistic goal is one that is much more or much higher than where you’re currently at. At the beginning of the week I’ll say to myself, “Okay, I’m going to go running on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and do an hour of yoga on Tuesday and Thursday.” If you can achieve this goal, that’s great! I, however, have said this plenty of times before but have never actually done it. Realistically, I end up exercising about two to three times a week (which, only in hindsight do I ever see how awesome an achievement that is). But because I had originally said 5 days a week, I end up beating myself up over the exercise I didn’t do rather than celebrating the exercise I did do.
It might seem contradictory, but setting unrealistic goals can be really toxic. It’s common thinking that setting high goals will push us to get things done and to try harder but that’s actually not true. It ends up doing quite the opposite and is really the perfect set up for us to beat ourselves up. We set an unrealistic goal that is much higher than what we’re currently doing, feel overwhelmed by the set goal, end up either not reaching it or not doing anything at all because we’re so overwhelmed, beat ourselves up when we don’t reach it, another point for depressed thinking, and the cycle continues. Then, when it comes time to do the thing again, we are even less likely to feel motivated to do it or feel even more overwhelmed at the prospect of attempting it again because the past experience was so negative. Seeing the toxicity?
So what do we do instead? Look at what you’re doing now and set a goal that is slightly higher. That could look a couple different ways. For example: Last week I exercised on Tuesday and Thursday. This week, I’ll do the same but add a 15 minute walk on Monday. However, it could also look like this: Last week I exercised on Tuesday and Thursday but the week before that I only exercised once. So this week I’ll aim to maintain what I did last week and do two days of exercise. Make sense? There’s several ways to set realistic goals and it’s all about gauging what you’re doing now, reflecting on how well it’s working and how it’s making you feel, then either aiming to maintain it or to do a bit more.
I’m not saying don’t set high goals. It’s great to have high goals! The key is to have realistic expectations on how you’re going to get there. If you set a high goal for yourself be sure to map out the smaller goals in between that’ll help you achieve your overall goal. You’re going to have so many more wins along the way and I guarantee that you’ll have a much happier and fulfilling journey reaching your goals.
Do One Hard Thing
This is a new one I recently added to my repertoire and have found it to be super helpful. Doing one hard thing is literally that. It’s telling yourself that you’re going to do one thing a day that feels overwhelming or scary and rewarding yourself during and after. The goal is to get rid of the fear and anxiety that comes with doing something challenging or overwhelming, and eventually turning it into a simple and positive experience so you can do it without having to think twice. For example, I struggle leaving the house and can always find several reasons to avoid doing so. Grocery shopping is one of those things, and it’s also one of those things I just have to do. So why not teach myself how to make it a more positive and simple experience?
Please note that I use this skill when it comes to activities that don’t have any kind of trauma associated with them or where the activity doesn’t involve being put in physical or emotional danger. The work that goes into confronting traumas can be much deeper and I do not want to minimize that. It’s not that I don’t think this skill could help, but more that I don’t know from personal experience and thus I currently don’t feel qualified to speak on it.
It happens something like this: I open the fridge, see that it’s near empty, and realize it’s time to go grocery shopping. I feel immediate dread, my stomach gets butterflies, and my anxiety spikes. (I feel it now just writing about it!) Immediately, my mind starts running through all the possible ways I can avoid going to the grocery store. The problem with that is if I continue to avoid going to the grocery store, my fear and anxiety surrounding going to the grocery store will never go away.
So first things first. When I notice my anxiety spiking while thinking about doing something challenging, I practice deep breathing. I inhale a slow, deep belly breath for 8 counts, hold for 4 counts, and exhale forcefully and audibly until all the air has left my lungs for 6 counts. That’s my favorite kind of deep breathing but you can adjust the counts to whatever suits you best. Once I’ve done a few rounds of deep breathing, I purposely smile, and think of a mantra. Something like, “Going to the grocery store is good for my mental health,” or “Going to the grocery store is a step towards mental wellness,” or simply, “I can do this.”
After I’ve said my mantra a few times over, I decide when I’ll go to the store. My motto is, when possible, the earlier the better— do the one hard thing and revel in the relief and fulfillment for the rest of the day. Once you’ve decided when you’re going to do the challenging thing, practice positive self-talk, mindfulness, and self-soothing techniques. Think of ways to simplify the experience. For grocery shopping, I always make a list so that way I don’t have to wander through the aisles trying to make too many decisions; I make the decisions from the comfort of my home as opposed to the store.
As I’m getting ready to go, driving to the store, and while I’m shopping, I’m focusing only on taking deep breaths and positive self-talk. This is scary but I’m doing it! I’m doing great! I’m taking control of my mental health! Good job for pushing myself! I’ve said it before and I’ll continue to say it, you can never go overboard with positive self-talk. You’re working towards turning a negative experience into a positive one so however silly you have to feel in order to get there, the better.
Once you’ve done the hard thing, take a moment to really soak in the feeling of accomplishment so the next time you go to do this hard thing your memories are focused more on how you felt great afterward and less on how hard it was.
Remember that this is a step by step process. It takes time to turn things into habit and it’s not going to happen overnight so be kind and gentle with yourself and relish in the fact that you’re taking steps to care for your mental health.
Opposite Action
Opposite action is similar to doing one hard thing. Essentially, it’s noticing when you’re feeling dread about doing something, and instead of avoiding it, you do it. Before you let the dread and anxiety sink in, you actively choose to get the thing done. When we’re depressed or anxious, many of the things we have to do during the day tend to cause so much dread that we avoid doing them until the last possible second. By the time we actually do the thing, we’ve been dreading it so much that we associate the action with dread rather than the success of actually getting it done. Opposite action is a practice of tough love where you’re being kind to yourself but you’re also pushing yourself out of your comfort zone.
As with doing one hard thing, please note that I use this skill only for activities that don’t have any trauma associated with them and where the activity doesn’t involve being put in physical or emotional danger. Some things are never as easy as saying “just do it” and it’s only damaging to say otherwise.
Opposite action is simple to explain but more difficult to execute. It looks something like this:
- I have to do the dishes.
- I notice that I’m feeling dread about doing the dishes.
- I acknowledge that I’m feeling dread.
- It’s okay that I’m feeling dread; it’s only temporary.
- Instead of letting the dread settle in, I’m making the conscious decision to practice opposite action and do the dishes now.
- Look, I’m doing the dishes and nothing bad is happening! Way to go!
You might read into this as minimizing your fears but that’s not what opposite action is about. It’s not to tell yourself, “This thing is so easy why am I freaking out about it.” It’s all about telling yourself, “I want to show myself that this thing I’m dreading is actually not so bad! 🥰” You have to find the balance of pushing yourself just enough while still being kind to yourself.
It may seem simplistic but it is a skill I have leaned on many a time and it really has made a difference for me. It’s making an active choice to deny anxiety the space and time to take root and to challenge yourself to step into your fears and discomfort. It’s a practice in pushing yourself as well as self-love so please remember to treat it as such!
Exercise
Like opposite action, it’s easy to fall into the “I didn’t try hard enough” pit. So again, put on those self-love lenses and enter into it with kindness and compassion. Exercise is good for you and we all know it, but that’s not what I want to talk about. I want to talk about reframing exercise so we see it not as a way to “stay in shape” or “get fit,” (2 phrases that for me are personally toxic) but as an act of self-love and celebration as to what our bodies can do, and so our minds can reap the benefits!
I have a really hard time getting motivated to exercise when I feel depressed or anxious and I rely heavily on doing one hard thing and opposite action to get myself to exercise. But I also know that my mental health is at its strongest when I’m exercising and moving my body regularly. That’s why I put in so much mental work to get myself to exercise— I know I can’t manage my depression and maintain my mental health without it. So I learned (and continue to work on because it’s an ongoing process) to reframe how I view and approach exercise as an act of caring for my mental health.
First and foremost, I have a general schedule that I try to stick to. By general, I mean that I allow for just enough flexibility so I’m not beating myself up if I don’t fit exercise in that day but also enough structure so that I’m holding myself accountable. It’s a fine balance and you have to gauge where you’re at and what is going to work best for you.
On my days for planned exercise, I’m paying extra attention to my thoughts and reminding myself that I’m exercising for my mental health and that I know I’ll feel better afterwards. In fact, most of the time I feel great after I exercise. As I’m getting ready to go, putting in my contacts, tying my hair back, changing my clothes, I’m cheering myself on. Way to go, Chelsea! You’ve got this! You’re doing great! Throughout my entire workout, those thoughts are on repeat in my head. Exercise for me is a practice in positive self-talk as well as moving my body. Double whammy.
There are some days where my depression is worse than others and on those days I try my hardest to at minimum get myself outside for a walk. Movement of any kind counts as exercise in my book and as I mentioned earlier, it’s up to you to find the balance between being kind to yourself while still pushing yourself.
Remember to find an exercise you enjoy. Youtube has great workout videos and there’s quite a few people who are hosting free exercise classes online right now. Dancing, yoga, stretching, cardio kick boxing. Whatever gets you moving, feels good in your body, and makes you feel good about yourself.
Reflection
Because managing depression and maintaining mental health is a continuous practice, I make it a habit to check in and make sure that everything I’m doing is still helping. I reflect on what specific skills I’ve been using and evaluating how each of them has been working. Are they actually working? Can I push myself a bit more? Am I still being kind to myself?
I also think about what has been giving me anxiety and ask myself what could be the cause. Is there a cause? Is there something specific I can do to minimize the anxiety? I ask myself where I’m struggling most— in what aspect of my life am I having the hardest time. I reflect on why I’m struggling, what are the possible causes, and what can I do differently.
Sometimes it’s easy to find the answers to these questions and sometimes I have to dig deeper by journaling, reaching out to a close friend, or talking to my therapist. And always remember to reflect without judgment. Reflection is not for finding ways to beat yourself up. Reflection is for finding ways to improve because that’s the beautiful thing about life, right? There’s always room to grow.
I want to reiterate that all of these suggestions are based on where I’m currently at with my own mental health. I think they can be applicable at most any stage of depression and anxiety but it’s important to adjust them to suit your needs and where you’re currently at in your own mental health journey. And as always, remember to approach caring for your mental health with kindness and compassion. You’re doing the best you can and you are enough.
*Main photo was taken at Canyon Creek Lakes out of Trinity Alps Wilderness. It is on stolen Tsnungwe, Chimariko, New River Shasta, and Northern Wintu land.
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